Excuse Me, I Have Gas

Hi, my name is Andy, and I have a gas problem. It started off small - a little whiff here and there; nothing that would cause too many people to notice. After a while, that wasn't enough, and the scent started to become overwhelming. Before I started seeking help, the odors became a point of tension among friends and family. Now that the problem is out in the open, the early warning signs were clear. The small puddles of gasoline under the parked truck, the trails of liquid following me around. The 'No Smoking' signs around the truck at work. The gas station that now has a sign posted stating that "spills are your responsibility". Having to fill up at different stations every time to avoid the embarassment of being recognized as "that guy".

Seriously, this truck has fuel system issues. The metal line with the hole worn in it has been replaced. The vent hose has been reattached to the tank (a one inch opening at the top of the tank allows a lot of fuel to spill out). All of the hoses have had clamps added to them. Today, I found that the tank has a leak at the seam where the filler goes through. Enough is enough - the truck is going to get parked tomorrow after I stop and get the parts to fix the car's brakes. Then, as soon as I can work enough overtime to pay for it, I'm going to order a new plastic tank, a new hanger and rods, and the proper fuel line to replace the Fisher Price version installed now. Gotta do it - the nice old man at the muffler shop requested that the leaks be fixed before he started welding the new exhaust onto the truck!

The brakes are better. I reworked them all and got a pedal with more 'feel' than the hard/dead pedal it used to have. Before, stopping was a matter of prediction/luck. Now, it is more consistent. Not quite up to the inspection standard of stopping the vehicle from 25mph in 20 feet, but closer.

Anybody remember that whistling noise that comes from a wing window that isn't quite closed? After the last few cold mornings, I am again familiar with that sound. If you change speed right, the pitch goes up and down - almost a replacement for the missing radio....

Simple joys of driving an ugly old truck: nobody (NOBODY) pulls out in front of you. Don't know if it's the big ugly grille or the generally disheveled appearance of the truck, but people make way for the big old boat.

The truck isn't that big, but I guess the combination of its size and the sound that emanates from the holes in the exhaust caused a little elementary school kid to think that my pickup was a big rig. He stood there on the sidewalk with the rest of his field trip group and pumped his arm in the classic "blow your air horn" motion. Sorry, kid. I was too busy doing the old truck dance to have a free hand to honk the horn.

Even with all the issues that this truck has, it is the perfect Vermont summer vehicle. It's a blast to drive - I even took it over to Littleton this past weekend. One hundred miles each way. Fifty miles an hour (or less.sometimes a lot less). Stopped halfway to get some pictures proving that it made the trip.

Modern Conveniences

Driving a forty-year-old vehicle has its challenges. Mainly, those challenges are of the mechanical type: is the engine still running, will the wheels stay on the axle, is the fire extinguisher close by, etc. (I'd like to amend that engine comment - it shouldn't be "is the engine still running?". It should be "will the engine keep running?". In this truck, with the holes in the exhaust and matching holes in the floorboards, you are always aware that the engine is running...in a 'wake up in the middle of the night with your ears ringing' kind of sense.) Other challenges have to do with 'creature comforts'. To follow, a list of modern conveniences for your ponderance.

Power-Assisted Brakes: Now, this isn't too much of a concern for the daily operation of a vehicle, but trying to stop a four thousand pound hunk of metal with non-assisted drum brakes makes me think of math. I hated math in school, but now I'm spending considerable chunks of my commute trying to solve equations that deal with the volume of cylinders, the leverage of the brake shoes, speed and trajectory, and a good sprinkling of Pascal's law. Not too complicated, unless you're also juggling a super-sealed travel tumbler of coffee because you don't have a.....

Cupholder: I ridicule the minivan adverts that tout the impossibly high number of cupholders in the vehicle (sixty-five cupholders! there's even one in the spare tire!). Nobody needs a ton of cupholders. A vehicle needs one cupholder. Only one - for the driver. Any passenger can hold their freaking beverage. Now, this old truck has not a single cupholder. It has no flat surface anywhere in the cab to place a cup. The only solution to keeping your coffee close is to carefully prop it up with the seatbelt right next to your body and not take corners too quickly (not really a problem in a 40-year-old truck!) And before any smartass tells me to go get one of those plastic cupholder/console thingies made for cars, forget it. I ain't buying a cupholder. I prefer to complain and risk spillage.

Self-Cancelling Turnsignals: You wouldn't think that turn signal that cancel themselves after a turn should be considered a modern miracle, but they are. All of you out there driving around with your fancy "multi-function control stalks" that operate the turn signals, the cruise control, the headlights, and the satellite TV can just kiss it. My trusty ride has one skinny little stick poking out to the left there, and it does two things. Only two things. They are: click up and click down. That's right - lift it up to signal right, and push it down to signal left. Remember to click that puppy back off after completing the turn or it will stay flashing for m i l e s. Ask me how I know. More than once, I've had to try and pretend to be an old geezer from Florida to try and cover for the fact that I left the signal on for three or four miles....

Intermittent Wipers: Here's a new dance for all you kids out there - start developing a beat by stomping down on those unassisted brakes. As you get a good stomping going, start twitching side to side to keep that coffee cup upright. Are you swaying now? Add a little head dip by looking down every few seconds to check that the blinkers are off. You're grooving now - foot stomping, swaying, and head dip. Now, add a quick lean forward a shoot your left arm up to switch on the wipers. Now, do it again to switch them off. Keep that motion going every four seconds or so - match the rate of rain falling on the windshield. If you're doing it right, you'll have the road all to yourself because other drivers will be afraid to approach.

We'll leave air conditioning and radios for another discussion - they are not really needed. Vent windows may just get their own entry - they are not sources of blessed venting and air flow. They can be installed to effectively reduce air flow and drip raindrops onto your pantleg in a drizzle.