Modern Conveniences

Driving a forty-year-old vehicle has its challenges. Mainly, those challenges are of the mechanical type: is the engine still running, will the wheels stay on the axle, is the fire extinguisher close by, etc. (I'd like to amend that engine comment - it shouldn't be "is the engine still running?". It should be "will the engine keep running?". In this truck, with the holes in the exhaust and matching holes in the floorboards, you are always aware that the engine is running...in a 'wake up in the middle of the night with your ears ringing' kind of sense.) Other challenges have to do with 'creature comforts'. To follow, a list of modern conveniences for your ponderance.

Power-Assisted Brakes: Now, this isn't too much of a concern for the daily operation of a vehicle, but trying to stop a four thousand pound hunk of metal with non-assisted drum brakes makes me think of math. I hated math in school, but now I'm spending considerable chunks of my commute trying to solve equations that deal with the volume of cylinders, the leverage of the brake shoes, speed and trajectory, and a good sprinkling of Pascal's law. Not too complicated, unless you're also juggling a super-sealed travel tumbler of coffee because you don't have a.....

Cupholder: I ridicule the minivan adverts that tout the impossibly high number of cupholders in the vehicle (sixty-five cupholders! there's even one in the spare tire!). Nobody needs a ton of cupholders. A vehicle needs one cupholder. Only one - for the driver. Any passenger can hold their freaking beverage. Now, this old truck has not a single cupholder. It has no flat surface anywhere in the cab to place a cup. The only solution to keeping your coffee close is to carefully prop it up with the seatbelt right next to your body and not take corners too quickly (not really a problem in a 40-year-old truck!) And before any smartass tells me to go get one of those plastic cupholder/console thingies made for cars, forget it. I ain't buying a cupholder. I prefer to complain and risk spillage.

Self-Cancelling Turnsignals: You wouldn't think that turn signal that cancel themselves after a turn should be considered a modern miracle, but they are. All of you out there driving around with your fancy "multi-function control stalks" that operate the turn signals, the cruise control, the headlights, and the satellite TV can just kiss it. My trusty ride has one skinny little stick poking out to the left there, and it does two things. Only two things. They are: click up and click down. That's right - lift it up to signal right, and push it down to signal left. Remember to click that puppy back off after completing the turn or it will stay flashing for m i l e s. Ask me how I know. More than once, I've had to try and pretend to be an old geezer from Florida to try and cover for the fact that I left the signal on for three or four miles....

Intermittent Wipers: Here's a new dance for all you kids out there - start developing a beat by stomping down on those unassisted brakes. As you get a good stomping going, start twitching side to side to keep that coffee cup upright. Are you swaying now? Add a little head dip by looking down every few seconds to check that the blinkers are off. You're grooving now - foot stomping, swaying, and head dip. Now, add a quick lean forward a shoot your left arm up to switch on the wipers. Now, do it again to switch them off. Keep that motion going every four seconds or so - match the rate of rain falling on the windshield. If you're doing it right, you'll have the road all to yourself because other drivers will be afraid to approach.

We'll leave air conditioning and radios for another discussion - they are not really needed. Vent windows may just get their own entry - they are not sources of blessed venting and air flow. They can be installed to effectively reduce air flow and drip raindrops onto your pantleg in a drizzle.